just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
FUCK WHALES
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
