Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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