I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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