I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
