there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I love you. Go after that dick
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize