zippers are such a cool invention
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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