we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize