Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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