I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
