I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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