1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
