She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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