I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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