My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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