did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
