Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
