Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
