It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
