He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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