he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
