the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
