Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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