omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
