Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
