At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
