If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
