I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He felt like a one man threesome
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
