I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
