He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I love how my cats smell like pot.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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