The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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