Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
