Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
