Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
