Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
