dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
