apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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