Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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