So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize