does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
