i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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