Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
