Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
