woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
