If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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