i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
