Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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