So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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