oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
