I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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