wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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