he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
