So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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