At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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