You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
