Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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