I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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