just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
