Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
