My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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