I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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