farters have to be the big spoon...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
