I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize