I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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