Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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