im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
