This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
