life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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