what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
