Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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